He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
