I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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