My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
wow bdsm is so cute
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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