my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Houston, we have a squirter
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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