I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
