She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
