This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
