and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
