six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
