I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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