I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies