you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.