So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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