I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my phone needs a breathalizer
It was confusing and full of hummus
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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