she kept yelling 'call me bella'
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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