i permit you to call me
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
