I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
