Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
