Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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