so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He shit in the fireplace
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
