I smell stomach acid.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
