Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
