Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
