Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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