I wish my penis had an off switch
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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