Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
