Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
did i just pee glitter
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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