Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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