I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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