Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
