Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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