I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
