Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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