i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
