I just threw up on my dentist
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
