My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
