too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
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Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
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I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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