I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
