I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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