I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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