mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Randomize
