I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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