Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
