just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
