I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
