I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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