At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
