I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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