you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
