My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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