pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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