Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
