Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
