if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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