You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
